"i miss our group
and i wish there were a better way to say that
i don't know
maybe a new word for what it feels like
to have lost something that was such a large part of who you were
and, for the most part, dictated who you would become
replaced with ease by imposters filling places
that never belonged to them in the first place"
-Kyle to Maggie

Feeling: oh, so, amazing
Listening to: My dance mix, right now playing outcast- the way you move


This weekend was my best yet.  I saw bridget and tricia... in one weekend!!! The girls were together again, if even for merely a half hour while bridget was in town.  Me, bridge, jen, trish, and laurel... in the same room at the same time!!!! Trish stayed for the whole weekend though, which was awesome. 

Friday was ashlyn's neighbors... i saw everyone in that group all dressed up.  I went as a golfer, which seemingly worked really well and was really comfortable.  I pretty much hung out with Scott most of the night, he kept ordering me drinks.  I guess it was kind of made public that we are somewhat together... whatever the hell we are... which i like because now i dont have to wonder if he cares about other people knowing or holding his hand in front of that whole group or anything.  People kept giving us their aproval, which kind of bothered me, but i just laughed it off.  I dont need or want their approval, it doesnt matter to me what they think of us. Dan congratulated us like a million times... specially when he walked in and found us in the back by the books.  He was funny about it though and kept shaking our hands and making toasts. Scott was really intoxicated though... it took me an hour and a half to walk him home. I just crashed in his room with him and martin... he doesnt remember alot of what happened after his seventh havannah cocktail anyways.  Dan got sick too... he was a ghostbuster though, which was awesome.  I saw alex, andy, dan, and them too which was awesome... and the girls and i got to all go over together.

Saturday we watched some of the parade and went to the game.  Then scott and i cooked macaroni and cheese (fakingly) and sprayed people from the second floor of cieniga with the sink hose, it was really funny. The church party which was AMAZING.  I was dd, so i didnt drink... and it would have been a million times more awesome if i had, but it was still alot alot of fun.  There were so many people there... and i got to see all the newman kids extraordinarlity intoxicated.  I went with the girls again, laurel brought her cool friend courtney.  They were all slutted out, and i went as a golfer again... but scott wasnt there so i wasnt trying to impress anyone :):):).  This hot guy dressed as elmer fudd kept hitting on me though... that was fun.  We had to pull both laurel and courtney off of random guys like 5 times, but afterwards we went back to jens and drank a little more... i finally got my corona... and it was sooooo good.  I totally deserved it.  We saw dan, dan, jordan and martin for a bit when we got back.

Then last night scott came over and we studied and i finished my 25% of my grade english paper.  Then we went and laid out and looked at the stars for an hour or so and talked, and went back to his room where we watched like 4 episodes of the westwing with dan and martin until like 3. 

Tonight is my last confirmation class.  I get confirmed on saturday... and i am really really excited, and kind of nervous, im not gonna lie.  I'm so ready for it though.  I'm baking brownies today for it... i hope i dont burn them again. 

Psych class calls.  This was long.

The worst part of my day is saying goodbye to you.  Everytime. It makes me feel less independent, it makes me feel like i need you, it makes me feel pathetic. I have a hard time concentrating.  It is interuppting my day when I cancel things, rearrange things, skip things, all to procrastinate the inevitable goodbye.  Though I know i'll see you again. I always do. You still give me the butterflies, after all this time.  And I hate it. I hate it. But I don't really hate it... i love it, and on the days i don't get to feel the anxiety and rush of blood to every nerve in my body i have a hard time smiling.  But I shouldn't need you to feel that way.  I shouldn't need anyone.  I don't want you to make me feel like a more complete person.  I want to feel that way myself.  I don't want to be your psychoanalyzation, your experiement, or the little girl you always have to take care of.  And I'm running scared like every other time because that is all I end up being.  I'm a ditz. I'm a clutz. And I've hopelessly fallen for you.  So next time don't smile that way at me.  You don't know what it does to my insides. Or how it is imprinted on my mind for the rest of the day.  And I'm just doing it to myself again.  Overanalyzing, overthinking, overbreathing.  This is ridiculous.


I'm not scared to fly
I just need golden wings
The kind that will burn in the sky
and knock the stars down to die


...Longingly?
Morgan   

feeling: amazingly productive
listening to:  fall out boy... what else?


concert was 100% amazing.  I'm not even a matchbook romance fan and they were good.

I was sleeping quite peacefully when the phone rang.  My roomate begins to talk to someone (i later figure out her ex-boyfriend) about suicide, if she still loves him, stopping himself from killing himself, how its not his fault... all of the above.  So i had to get up, put on my headphones, and act busy because i don't want to impose on her serious conversation ot make her feel uncomfortable.  So here I sit... and i was like... hmmm... i never write in this anymore.

I'm going home in a couple hours.  My brother's actually letting me take his car up and back and living without it for the weekend.  I get it next weekend too when he goes to las vegas - he just turned 21. I get to see andy smith, travis, ALEX MARTINEZZZZ!!! meghyn and cheryl.  I'm way stoked.  Cept of course they pick this weekend to have a superhero party with two kegs.  Sad i'm missing it? ummm yes!!! a hundred people in superhero costumes... thats amazing! I love our themed parties.  We had a body paint one last week... it was awesome. everyone wore swimsuits and body painted all over each other.

Classes are going as expected I guess, I should be working harder. But I have all a's and b's.  I've been working really really hard on my next english essay too... so i'm praying i do well and it brings my grade up.

I still hang out with martin and scott everyday.  I can't help it.  I feel so comfortable with them, we always have a blast, even when we just lay around and watch movies (pretty much everyday).  I should start doing new things.  I hung out with alex and andy and their new group a couple nights ago, and stopped by to say hello last night too.  Thats outside of my comfort zone... far outside... but it was still fun.  I've seen scott everyday for the past two weeks.  It started when i took a day away and went to nau with jen... SO MUCH FUN... and its gonna end tomorrow just because i'm going to phx for the weekend.  I mean... thats craziness.  EVERYDAY.  It doesnt help that i have this crush on the boy either.  goodness me.

Taking back sunday/fall out boy is on tuesday.  Thank god.  I need a good concert.  I missed the starting line cuz of confirmation... and there has been jack this year.  I miss brand new. I need to see them live again.

CRISTEN AND I ARE SOOOO ON THE NEW SOMETHING CORPORATE DVD.  You can see clips of it online.  I dont know if thats good or bad.  I mean, i'm not gonna lie... i think its cool.  But it makes us look like these total fanatic groupies.... cuz im on it and i'm like... we're from phoenix... we drove for 8 hours yesterday.  i look like hell too... and i sound funny.  but we're soooo on it!!!! I'm sure we're in a couple of the fan shots too from inside the actual concert since we were just one person back.

she wants to go home
but nobody's home
it where she lies
broken inside

no place to go
no place to go
to dry her eyes
broken inside


i'm listening to the new avril lavigne cd entirely randomly... i like that song alot though... its been stuck in my head.  It's not bad.  A little bitter and a little angry, but occationally its good to hear a female voice since. 

alright... lunch with marting... how ironic :) 

hungrily,
Morgan Rose

feeling:  in the highest of spirits
listening to: my itunes dance hits mix


I am in the BEST mood ever! So i thought i would change the pace a little bit and write during a time when i was happy, rather than contemplative or sad... although its much more difficult. 

Rocked my 8am exam's face off today.  And I was up until 3am in martin and scotts watching animal house.  it was Brilliant.  absolutely brilliant.  Then i got my paper back.... and thats right.... i got an A+.  Eat that mr. conway. And then in english i picked a really good theme to write my next contextual analysis essay on that I think will be really really interesting.  I'm stoked.  School took a turn for the better today.  Though arts still bites. 

My retreat this weekend was awesome, and i really really feel like i am growing in my relationship with God.  It's starting to become a daily thing, where I can feel his presense with me at all times, not just the bad ones, and not just the ones in which i am looking for him.  I met alot of cool people too. 

Boys are going alright.  I'm in martin and scotts room everyday, but its so much fun.  I wish I was meeting more new people though.  I'll look into it.    

Alex is pissed at me... i think.  I don't really know because he's not as blunt about stuff like that so he wont just call me and tell me like i did with him.  But, its his call on this one just like it was mine last time... so all i can do is wait i guess.  He hung up on me two nights ago.  I really dont know what he could be mad at though.  I tried to fit in with his friends, i really was trying much more and it was going better.  So I hang out with my group of friends more than his.... sorry.... i mean... thats why theyre my group of friends :)  I hate it because im becoming cynical, just look at me.  oh well. 

there is a bird right outside my window chirping!!! its cool, though all of a sudden quite annoying.

oh! and i finally saw moulin rouge.  I liked it alot alot alot.  martin and scott sing the love song as a duet... it is quite histerical.

I still miss everyone alot.  My sister, my family, bridget, meghyn, and alex martinez a ton.  :( 

we are taking dan to the mall to get his hair cut today and I am going shopping for my brothers birthday.  Its his 21st so im going to buy him a really nice set of wine glasses.  Im gonna take a four hour nap first :)

listening to: a little bit of straylight run action
feeling: a little sick, but damn smiley inside




if you ever feel loved or needed
just remember your one of the lucky ones

and if its over just remember what i told you
it was bound to happen, soldiers
keep moving on, theres no perfect ending


i cant even sum up last night in words.  im staring at this screen... my head pounding and half my world still spinning.... not knowing what to say.  i kissed cristen, that was interesting.  we danced, we laughed, we played guitars, we sang, we rejoiced. I heard warren's voice for the first time since july.  something would be there if he didnt live in california. I celebrated the completion of my six page english paper.  crashed hard and woke up too early to the alarm for my 9am class. ay ay ay ay ay.   

feeling - tired, but extraordinarily amazing
listening to: Something Corporate - She paints me blue


Such drama this weekend.  more hardcore drama than i have seen in a long long time, since i usually do such a wonderful job at avoiding it.  Thats how i know alex is my best friend.  I can tell him we need to talk and we can sit and talk for two or more hours and just say anything and everything, and i can break down and bawl in front of him and we can work on it and fix it all.  thats how i know everything will be okay.

confirmation is going wonderfully.  Each week i learn more and more about myself and type of christian i would like to become.  And my relationship with god is heading in such a better direction as well.  Makes me smile inside.

i was out until 4:30 last night and i had an 8 oclock class.  Cosmos are delicious and my friends could kick your friends' ass.  they are just that cool.  yup. i said it. 

the weather here is BEAUTIFUL.  I dont remember the last time the breeze blew through my hair and the sun shone on my back and i was neither hot nor cold, but 100% content basking in the sunlight. 

Sucks i missed that concert bridge, sounded like an amazing time.  Taking back sunday and fallout boy in three weeks.  Starting line in two, but i still cant go cause of confirmation.  Northstar and straylight run too.  i am sooooo looking forward to that show.  I guess i have something to look forward too.

three papers due this week :)  watch me get them all done and still stay out too late and wake up too early.  I'm a stud.

OH! and i TOTALLY WON the bet with the guys.  Been at school for over and month and not one drunken hookup.  THATS RIGHT BABY! (i make it sound like that is so terribly difficult for me.... dont ask, i dont know why they put bets on me) and i must admit... it was semi difficult with rob in town last weekend.  that kid is one good lookin fella.  but im damnnnnn proud :)

Morgan

listening to- are we really happy with who we are right now? - Moneen
feeling- smiley :)


i found something 10000000 times better than lauch or anything else the technology world has ever offered.  OurTunes.  Ourtunes is (an illegal) a program that lets me steal music from every one else in my dorm's itunes folder.  Thus, it has widespread through my dorm, everyone uploaded all their cds, and i can go and pick and choose anything i have ever wanted, granted they have it.... shall we recap the list of what i've got? just to make myself smile once again..... :) keep in mind these are WHOLE CDS!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHH  I LOVE MY LIFE :)

Listening to: Scratch - Allister
Feeling - productive!!!! Its a new concept for me as of late


I really should update more.  Just cuz i havent been able to get myself to write lately, and i do want a record of what i go through.  I dunno... helps me figure stuff out when i look back and see what i wrote.

College has taken a turn for the best i suppose.  I decided that it's stupid to not hang out with a group of friends just because they are my old friends and i was so adement about meeting new people.  I finally found some people i truly truly believe i fit in with and am not faking my way through life.  I'm not going to throw that away because im "supposed" to meet a million new people.  The old ones are just as good, which is something i never believed i would hear myself say.  If you knew the history and the amount of people i've been through... you'd be surprised too.