I hate the radio.  Maybe hate is a strong word...

I dislike the radio. It plays the same songs over and over again only to start playing commercials the second you turn it on anyways.  I hate the concept of "released singles".  Maybe the edge will be good when they fix some stuff since they aren't clearchannel based and can play other songs... but right now its still the same concept.  I would much prefer a cd any day of the week and the only time i EVER listen to the radio by choice is when i have nothing but burned cds that are choosing not to work in my car and i have to listen to music when i drive.  And even now, I've just learned to always grab a non-burned cd to keep in my car so i dont even have to do that.  The concept of the radio is good - yes, you can learn new songs, yes, you can learn about concerts and such, but i still do not like the radio.  AND even if i am listening to the radio with you and i happen to say.. "i love this song" because there happen to be ALOT of songs that i love... it DOES NOT...i repeat... DOES NOT constitute me changing my mind or begining to like the radio

dearest andy, EVERYBODY DOES NOT HAVE TO LIKE THE FUCKIN RADIO


your favorite weapon,
Morgan

listening to:  ashlee simpson - peices of me  (our theme song of the weekend)


We're on the last lap and my knees are starting to give out.  Half of me wants to hold on to what I have and the other half wants to fall into what the world has waiting for me.  My arms are outstretched and ready anxiously but my eyes are sheilded and squinted up tight. 

Flagstaff was amazing.  even if i dont go to cali (which im not) it was the greatest way to end the summer with three girls i feel i have grown extremely close to.  Perhaps some pictures up later, but if not.... just know it was crazy fun.  And I love singing at the top of my lungs in car rides to girls songs with you all too :)

well, I found out who the talented half of tbs was.  There are so many cds i need.

Two weeks.  Its surreal.  It sounds semi long... but in our hearts we know its not long enough.  Summer just started.  I already miss you and you havent left yet.

I got my hair all chopped off.  Its pretty short and pretty layered.  Im thinking about puting purple streaks in it.

I get to go ice skating for work today.  And im still not sure if im going to cali or not.  bummer. But i've got a smile on my face and air in my lungs.  To quote Raffi -

All I really need
Is a song in my heart

Weird to think the summer is actually coming to a close.  I have like two weeks left before I don't see half the people i love anymore.  At least not that often... some of them until november.  I'm supposed to being going to Cali this weekend... i have a free apartment to stay in in san diego.  Irony? All of a sudden everyone has to work....Dan, Pat, Kyle, and maybe Thomas are all staying in dan's beach condo this weekend.  Dan said I could crash there as needed, but i dont think my parents would be down with it.  Specially because then they will know that there were alternate plans (never spoken of) that i was scheming for my trip.... like, oh, say, the fact that they dont/didnt know my boys would be there.  Lets hope meg or someone calls me back and can go.

I'm making dan the coolest birthday present.  yes, its a couple days late :)  but im way way way excited.

exceedingly yours,

HAPPY BIRHTDAY DAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I stayed at home with my mom tonight and rented Mona Lisa Smile.  I had like eight options of things to do... but i just didnt feel like going out.  Alex is going to call me in 6 mintues when he gets off work and try to convince me to go over there.  I told him I could spend the night, but I made the mistake of being honest and asking my mom (instead of sticking to my story of going to Megs).  She said I could still go and watch a movie or something until really late.   Half of me, well, more like 78% wants to just sit here and type and type.  I am in a writing mood, but I can type so much faster than i can write.  The thoughts just streamline straight from the synapses in my brain to the memorized muscle movements in my fingers.  I decided to stay in tonight because my dad is out of town and i thought it would be a good mother daughter night.  I figured it would be our last chance to, i guess the word is -bond, before i leave for college.  She has gone off to bed, and sitting here I am almost moved to tears at how much I am going to miss her. And my whole family that is.  I am very family oriented and my family is seemingly really close.  And as much as she naggs me and won't let me stay out that late or sleep at alex's though he's my best friend, or whatever... i understand that it is all out of compassion and caring for my well-being. Its not worth fighting over.  I am so blessed with a home and with a loving family... i am so naive to the world of child abuse, neglect, poverty, even broken homes when so many of my friends' parents are divorced.  Maybe it is because i have never truly experienced it first hand or maybe its because i am scared to look at the reality of other people's situations.  In fact, I have been told on several occations that I have no sympathy - granted, most of them are by andy marshall... whom i just dont understand regardless - but it has highly concerned me.  I find happiness to be a choice.  100%.  When I am pmsing or having an off day or just feeling down.... i am not feeling sorry for myself, but rather the opposite.  I am angry for not living up to my own ridiculous expectations and standards that I set for myself.  I am angry that I set these ridiculous standards expecting myself not to live up to them.  I am angry for choosing to be unhappy rather than happy.  At tops this lasts one evening.  So perheps the reason I have no sympathy is because i feel the world is full of options and choices.  It is what you make of it... so why not get off your ass and do something about your depression rather than sit at home staring at walls and wallowing in it.  Andy calls this harsh and unsympathetic.... but i have come to think it may just be that i do not understand unhappy people.  I have gone through periods of depression - at most lasting a month probably - but it has never been a serious depression.  I have gone through suicidal periods of convincing myself life is not worth living - but all the while knowing i would not have the guts to go through it and that it truly is worth it.  I just do not understand unhappiness.  I do not understand how a person can have a home, and a family, and friends, and food on the table (whether filet mingon or leftover take out) and consider their life awful.  I have sympathy for the children I see everyday who don't get to see their parents because they are on business trips had have truly been scarred for life from having a motherly and fatherly influence on them, and in turn, revolt to us the staff to feel loved.  I have sympathy for the elderly people I used to volunteer with whose friends and family have all passed on before them and are seemingly counting the days until their own perishment.  I have sympathy for victims of rape, child abuse and things of that nature that I previously stated I don't understand.  I guess I just can't sympathise with angst ridden teenagers who think they are chronically depressed but are really just too busy watching tv or playing video games to live their life and appreciate God's beauty around them.  And yes, i envoke God into this because I believe there is a God. Sue me. If there is one thing Jeff taught me in the four weeks our friendship lasted it was to not be ashamed of the fact that i believe in god.  Regardless, I have come to realize that perhaps these people do deserve sympathy.  With suicide rates extremely high, perhaps these teenagers who feel lonley because they havent had a bf/gf in five months deserve some peice of my heart.  I mean, suicide has been a serious part in my life.  I could list at least five people I know really well who have personally tried to commit suicide... one of them being my sister. I don't know where I am going with this... it just bothers me when people are unhappy about the stupidest pettiest things.  I wake up every morning, take in a huuuuge breath of air, smile, thank God that i have had the opportunity of life, and mentally tell myself that "today, i am going to choose to be happy".  Yes, it sounds like a cheesy spam mail, but it is true.  And i realized i am a much happier person when i do that.  You know what else i hate.... meeting up to other people's standards of beauty.  People who are considered "hot" are nothing more than people who have been blessed with pleasant smelling pheromones that are keen to other peoples neurons.  I hate that I feel the need to live up to expectations of what I am supposed to look like in order to feel good about myself.  I think its horribly sad that people find it shocking that i hardly wear make up, and jill can come into work one day without it and people ask her all day long what happened.  I've been trying to look nicer and get more dressed up lately rather than just my jeans and tshirt look... and people have noticed.  I can't say it isnt nice.  I just want to make sure it doesnt get to the point where i don't feel good about myself when i wear jeans and a fallout boy tshirt -especially the new one im gonna buy myself online :) I feel like i am eighteen years old and think i have a concept of the world around me but inside truly know that i dont.  I'm all about changing and evolving and becoming a better human being... but do i stick to it?  you tell me.  Mike and I still fight.  We've been fighting on and off for two years now.  you wanna know the funny thing? i don't know what we fight about.  I have never understood it... even at the beginning.   I could not give you the slightest idea as to why we fight... we just do.  I think its almost a self-fulfilling prophesy for us.  I promised myself I would change it.  I promised this time or that time would be the last time I let him hurt me... but its not.  and it never will be.  As long as Mike is around I will be there and want to be there with him.  I'll let him throw me to the curb a thousand times for the one night of fun we have together going mini golfing or laughing until i cry on his living room floor.  But is that bad?  Am i cheating myself or setting myself up for heartache because i know it is inevitable.  Or is it good because i am reaching onto the hope that maybe... just maybe it will work out this time, knowing better in the back of my head.  The whole thing is just as much my fault as it is his... well... maybe 30/70.   I wish i was as good of a writer as some people.  Or as good of a communicator.  Why can jesse lacey find the right cure for every mood I am in?  Its like he knows what i am thinking and puts it to music. 

I wanna see movies of my dreams

for the record... alex called, and he understood when i said i was just gonna chill at home and not drive out in the middle of the night to see him for a half an hour.  I love that kid.  There are times when he just looks at me with his big eyes and i know that everything is going to be okay.  he has this way about him that can make me feel really special.  Andy smith called me again today to tell me that i am special.  I love that kid too.  I really love all my friends... sometimes i have a real issue with feeling included and feeling like people don't know the real me... but i realized that regardless i have the coolest friends in this universe, each in their own group in thier own way.  I wouldnt trade them for all the snickers bars in the world.  As bridget once said, i do not find it hard to love... but i find it hard to love unconditionally.  Andy hates when people throw around the word "love" so i am always careful when i say it around him.  But I do not find it hard to love people as he does.  I do not think it takes away from me meaning it as much either.  Merely because i tell more people doesnt mean that i mean it that much less.  I just love conditionally.  I am fragile and easily broken. I hold grudges.  I taint my love.  I may love you and have a grudge at the same time.  Maybe thats why I have lost so many people.  Mike, no need to share with me your undying wisdom as to why i lose as many friends as i do... since you seem to have it all down to a science. I feel i have been to self-focused lately.  On my anxiety and excitement for college, sadness at my friends leaving (again), and figuring out who i am (still).  I am going to try to do something nice for some people.  And get dan a nice gift regardless of the fact that most of my friends skipped my birthday on their to do list. I already have some ideas in my head.  I hope they smile... i love when something i do makes someone else smile. 

i need someone to share the moon with

bridget, I looked through all your old entries to find the one that was all about yourself.  that you wrote to that guy.  It was about being hypocritical.  I absolutely loved it and was going to use exceprts from it to describe myself as well.  But i couldnt find it... i dont think it let me back that far.  Would you do me a favor and find it?  I am jealous of the way you make your words flow.  That and pete wentz.  i wish i could write like pete wentz.  but maybe thats why we're perfect for each other.  Or at least his words are perfect for me.  They wrap around me until i suffocate and just when it lets go so i can catch my breath i go back for more.  He (you) does (do) that to me too.  Ironic isnt it?  edited later:  I meant "he" as in a certain person... not pete wentz :) 

I still need to get you out of my head.  For the life of me I am fighting myself from getting over you... knowing its what i need to breathe clean again. 

I think I'm finally feeling tired.  My eyes have been begging for me to close them for the past 45 minutes.  Tomorrow is a brand new day to wake up and greet the world with a smile.  If you made it this far... congrats.  it wasnt supposed to sound as pensive emo as i'm thinking it turned out.  it was just me typing a mile a minute what came to my head. i really dont have that much to be pensive about.  but i will always be emo.  i don't think i can help that much.


regretfully always yours,
Morgan


you are beautiful
but you don't mean a thing to me

Last night was the most fun i have had in quite some time.  It was just alex & i, lindsay & stephan, and Kelly and her friend chris.  I can see now what alex and andy were saying about having someone to pair up and dance with.  Anywho, we went to club rio.  I felt really really young, but dammit im 18 so i was there legally. Alex and i danced the night away.... literally, i got home at like 2 which is friggin damn late for me considering i have to work in the morning.  I learned a couple things too:

*never wear a shirt with words on it, especially bright white words that are a sexual innuendo

listenin to: my allister cd... it hasnt had a spin in quite some time
feeling: mediocrity at its best


regardless of everyone and their mother being out of town... i have been keeping myself really busy.  Alex and Andy got back into town sunday and I have seen them both (what will be tonight) four days in a row now.  As much as they pick on me, i love them both to death.  I'm FINALLY going dancing tonight :) I've been practicing my guitar aton alot too... i want a reason to have to bring it to college with me.  Oh! I got my roomate assignment... her name is ingrid :)  Im just too chicken to call her.

Whoever you think i am, i am not.  I am a mix of what you think and what everone else thinks.  Because i am different around everyone... i need to work on that.

Please make me stop falling in love with you, its not fair.

"I know you're worth the wait
And I can't explain
What I'm going through inside
But I would turn away the world
Just to have you here with me tonight"

Kyle, Katie, Pat, Dan, Alex, Andy, Mike, Bridget, Tricia, Laurel, Jeff...

Wish you were here.  
           Wish I was there.

I passed all three of my ap exams.  Two of them did crap for me... but i think i don't have to take a math anymore.  Physics takes place of a tier one nats and a tier two nats, american history and american gov should cover some trad classes, and my psych takes care of an indv.  I am starting off as a second semester sophomore... and I am hoping that by december I am done with absolutely every one of my gen ed classes and can just take psych and business classes for three years.  I might still have to take a business math in order to minor though, i have to call today after work and have a loooooong chat with like eight departments.

I'm thinking now of double majoring in sign language and psychology with a minor in business.  That is if i stick with that and don't transfer to a college that offers music therapy.  I'm still doing research on that.

Today is the end of 70s week at the club.  Its dress up too.  I'm all decked out.  Should be way fun. I love my job.

Tomorrow alex and andy get back!!! I am sooooooo excited because i totally 100% miss them both.  Tomorrow, also, is the day that kyle, pat, and katie leave for about two weeks each.  That blows for I will miss all of them and group events just won't be the same.

Have you heard of salvia? I want to try it......

Morgan

three updates in one day.  i am a blogging whore... but i just have to say this:
I TOUCHED PETE WENTZ!!!!!!!!
LOTS AND LOTS OF TIMES!!!!!!!

there is nothing like a fallout boy show to take away every single problem your life ever had.  My life is 100% perfect right now. I would not ask for anything different... probably because im still on my concert high 2 1/2 hours later. 

This has to have been one of the best concerts i have ever ever been to.  Somehow (i have noooo idea how) i weaseled my way to be second from the stage.  Thus, pete and andrew were like RIGHT there. I got to grope pete, i played his bass, and i was blinded by that perfect smile.  They played all my favorite songs and i rocked out completely. I have never been so squished between so many people.  A sold out mason jar is absolutely insane. I got my ass kicked.... i've never left a concert with so many bruises.

However, i am ashamed.  i did absolutely everythign that is against concert code.  well, mostly.  I wore dangly earrings (though i took them off at the beginning), flip flops (im thankful i have all my toes) which was a pain because i almost lost my shoes a million times, did my makeup (=mascara all over face), bought my shirt and poster before the end of the show (had to shove them in my jeans in order to rock out) and some other stuff too.

For the most part, to reiterate from bridget... the night belonged to alex martinez.  I got her into fallout boy... but she is madly in love with them.  She caught the hat pete threw, FINALLY TALKED TO HIM!!!!, even asked for a bracelet and he gave it to her.  It was cute to see her all giddy.

Did i mention i saw josh tonight? yuuuup, at meghyn's party that i didnt stay the night for. He took out his nose ring which is a plus.... but he grew his hair out.  definately not as hot as when i dated him (for two weeks)  he looked really..... dirty.  It was weird talking to him again... kind of fun though... in a twisted sense.  anyways

Bridge, have fun in florida without me :) i want scandelous stories when you return.

I'm thinkin of going to the bandits, reel big fish show on tuesday... i dont know yet though.

I smell like ass, death, weed, sweat, love, blood, bruises, pain, smoke, and smiles all mixed together. i'm hitting the showers.