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I'm gonna stay 18 forever
So we can stay like this forever
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Wednesday, August 25, 2004
its empty tonight, and i'm all alone.... get me through this one
listening to: goo goo dolls - acoustic #10... or maybe its three... i forget and it doesnt matter... its a brilliant song
I was thinking to myself that i would stop writing in this altogether. Seemingly i had ended the last entry on a goodbye note with my favorite quotes ever, and it just seemed retrospectively that ending it on the last day before college was the way to go. You know... leave the old chapter behind and begin a new. that and its not like i've really had any time to update it, or seemingly have felt like it. Its funny that i only write when i'm upset. When im happy or hyper, i'de just rather go out and tell people than vent it all out with a paper and pen and bury it deep within my soul. There is this little burning flame deep inside of me of all the shit i've pushed down by merely writting it out and thinking that made it better... because writing is the devil like that. It makes you think it's gone away, it gives you a false feeling that everything is going to get better. But does it? No... writing truly cant do anything for you. All it does is supposedly get your thoughts in order, but my head is already too fucked up to have that work. So why do i feel compelled to write? I've established that it does nothing... and here i am writing away. Dammit... it makes me feel better.
So here I sit at college. Everything is different. Yes, on the outside I love it here. I'm somewhat meeting new people, I'm taking interesting classes, I'm living on my own with no nagging of my family... but there is a peice of me missing. A peice of me has changed and will never go back to the girl i used to be. Now, you might think... oh, its because now your on your own... its responsibility, its being an adult, its growing up. Well, its not. Its a peice of me that loved my childhood. Its the nostalgic part of me that knows that i had the best childhood a person could ever ask for. So i sit here listening to the acoustic version of "punk rock princess"... adequately named "heroine" and wish and wish and wish and wish that i could be five years old again. To have that curiousity about the world around me rather than merely cynicism. To find the good in everything, to make life a game and have the earth as my playground. I need to somehow get over it. I need to get it in my head that i am in college and thats just how life goes. Everyone grows up... so must i.
It was this time last year
You're so much different now
You watch the traffic clear
You hear the car spin out
I never thought you'de last
I never dreamed you would
You watch your life go past
You wonder if you should...
So here are my real thoughts of college. Keep in mind this is my hysterical, overdramatized, feeling like hell version. I havent met anyone new. Like one or two people. I'm such a creature of habit and I'm so scared what people will think of me that I hang out with either andy and alex, dan and martin and that group, or jen and cristen. Granted, but for andy and alex... the rest are semi-new because i was never that close to them... it doesnt count. I'm a chicken. My classes are harder than hell. You're expected to keep track of everything and I just feel so overwhelmed and I'm only in 13 credits. I miss my family. I miss my family so much. I miss my room and my bed and my house and my street. I am drowned out by the crowd. There are so many people here, and i feel like i am no different... I am a clone of them. I am my worst nightmare... i've become everyone else. There are people everywhere, absolutely everywhere, and some of my closest friends are here.... and i have never felt more alone and introverted in my entire life. The pictures hung all around my desk do nothing but taunt me and remind me of happy times. All i've heard from all my friends the past year is either 1. How amazing college is and how much they love it *insert histerical anecdote of the greatest times of our lives* or 2. How great college is going to be and how we will find ourselves and be out on our own and it will just fix everything. So far im finding both to be horribly wrong. I can only hope it gets better.
ironically.... avril lavigne "happy ending" just came on... the acoustic version.
So I'm going to go up to the third floor lounge and try to be as social as i can. I need to start picking up the pace and living the dream. I need to make it what i want it to be. I need to put in what i want to get out. And i need to get rid of everything negative that does nothing but make me down.
Morgan
I promise, it will get better
I promise, i will get better
I promise, i'll still always love you
Oh, i saw eric the other day. Then i did something stupid. I pulled out the letters he used to write me. That brought on part of this mood. Old love letters should never be kept. New love letters should never be kept... they will just turn into old love letters. I should burn them like i did that note mike gave me.
Posted at 04:48 pm by Morgan
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